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Fake News Week 1
Welcome to The Fake News Network- your source imaginary happenings! Russia Nukes Ukraine Russia has nuked Ukraine out of existence. Ukraine is no longer considered a country, but rather a nuclear waste land. Due to The Russian-Icelandic War, and the extensive use of nukes and missles in the attack, Russia has used up all of it's nuclear weapons and is now rendered defenseless. Russia's leader, Vladmir Putin, had this to say: " Сука Блят". Our translators have translated this message as "I have deeply regretted this action, and I apoligise profusely. However, it was something that had to be done. It was a last resort to protect my people" Rock Seller Mistaken For Drug Dealer Joseph Escobar, a 34 year old man living in Wayne, Nebraska, has been mistaken by local police officers as a drug dealer. According to police reports, Escobar was wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses, and was showing a homeless woman a white crystal. Upon further investagation, the crystal was not in fact crystal meth, but simply a really shitty rock. Moneypak Sales Rising,Interview With Customer As of March of 2018, Moneypak has been experiencing a sudden rise in sales. Several stores across the United States alone have had their Moneypak supplies sold out in weeks Our reporter, Steve Johnston, had interviewed a man who had bought over 431 Moneypaks alone. Steve: Where do you buy these Moneypaks? Man: Stores. (The man goes silent for a minute) I dunno dude, Vons? Not like I'm getting them from a black market or stuff. Steve: Okay, but why do you buy Moneypak? 'Man:'Kids. 'Steve:'Kids? 'Man:'I just really like little kids, okay? But, you know, not in a sexual way or anything. After the interview, the man jumped into a white van and drove off. Reporters are unsure what young children have to do with Moneypak. Man Disgused As Teacher, Pleads Guilty Andy Christmas, a man who disgused himself as a teacher to steal the children's playing cards, in Lakefort Elementry in Wayne,Nebraska , has plead guilty to Reckless Assholery. Police said that after preventing another school shooting, they noticed a man carrying several cards in his hands. When questioned, Christmas threw many cards at them shouting "Ninja Star Attack!". When they arrested them, Christmas pressued the officers, repeatedly asking "Did you pick up your cards?" According to court documents, Christmas forced the prosecution, jury, judge, and even his own defense attorney to play a game of 52 Card Pick Up during court. Christmas was sentenced to 69 years in prison for Reckless Assholery, Theft, and General Obnoxiousness. Pet Rock Researchers in China Bring Life, Citzens Arrested A group of researchers in China know as the Long Wang Dong have discovered a way to bring pet rocks to life. "This project has been in the works for over a decade, with many ups and downs," says researcher Dam Son, "But I think this will help out folks with no life have a little more of a life now that their pet rocks are actually alive.". The project has been well recieved by President Xi Jiping, with Jiping passing a law related to pet rocks. This law has lead to several citzens arrested with animal abuse relating to pet rocks. One of these people, Ming Ming, has been a firm opposer to this law, saying, "My pet rock isn't even alive like everyone's elses, what the hell?" Man Beats Wife to Death With Spoon Over Ice Cream A man in Miami, Florida has been found not guilty of killing his wife, despite doing the act in public. Diego Juarez beat his wife, Maria Juarez to death with a spoon in front of a The Cream Inside, a popular ice cream restuarant. When questioned by police, Juarez replied with "Bitch didn't give me my ice cream. No way in hell am I eating that froyo crap.". During the trial, Judge Bob Nckerson proclaimed that the reasoning behind the murder was completely reasonable, stating "Nobody should be denied ice cream. Especially The Cream Inside's ice cream. Damn, that's a good ice cream place." Juarez was released without any reprocations what so ever. Confusion Amongst US Citzens Lately, many people in our coutnry have been perplexed about the sudden increase in rock related news. Some attribute it to a goverment cover up or media brainwashing. However, we at FNN only write the most truthful fake news in all of America. Any claims about cover-ups or what not is completely false. Fuck you. Notice: The writer for this article, Stuart Smith, has been fired for spreading misformation and falsehoods. We at FNN apologise for the incovinence. Taiwan To Make Traps Illegal, Protests Ensue Tsai Ing-wen, the president of Taiwan, has currently made being a trap illegal, citing the fact that they the main source of The Gay. According Ing-wen, all traps will be deported by December 25th, and those who do not comply by this rule will be sent to the gas chambers.Already, over 187 traps have been deported, and almost twice as many have been sent to the gas chambers. "By the time we get to the deadline, all the traps will probably be gone, oops" says Ing-wen, as she sends men in hazmat suits to toss traps into the sea, "Oh, and this our method of deportation. They will have to swim to their next destination, which will certainly won't be Taiwan. Ha!" There have many protest all around Taiwan againist the policy, Many protesters have been run over by steamrollers by Ing-wen's request. One trap enthusasit, who wishes to kept anoymous says, "Listen, if you pretend the penis isn't, there, it's only half as gay." The Taiwanese goverment is also cracking down anti-anti-trap post on the internet and tracking the posters, to arrest them. Trap related hentai has been banned as well, resulting in many a traps without a job. One man says "Dude, trannies are gayer than traps. Why doesn't Taiwan ban them? I don't even like traps. They're gay." After stating this, the Taiwanese goverment has started banning Transgenders as well. The man responded with, "Good riddance.". Elderly Gay Couple Attacked By War Veterans In Moscow, Russia, an elderly homosexual couple were assaulted by two war verterans, Roger Guerra and Edward Travinsky, with walkers. The attack happened at Death's Nursing Home, where the two elderly men were talking about gay shit or something. Suddenly, Roger and Edward broke through the window, because their gaydars were going off like crazy. Roger picked up a walker and hit one of the men on the head. When Edward saw that Roger took the walkers before he could, he stopped throwing vases at the one he was beating up and went after Roger. due to this impressive show of mental retardation, one of the nurses was able to bring the police over. The old men are now in a hostpital, being treated for the attack and their alarming high levels of The Gay. Roger and Edward are now awaiting trial. Category:News Of The Week Category:News